Food is Food, However It Looks, Right?
But first some questions….
Have you ever been to one of those parties where there is absolutely NO FOOD what so ever?
Are you one of those people that has loads of useless information in their head until the time when it is no longer useless but becomes useful?
Do you consider yourself adventurous when it comes to food?
Are you a survivor?
John and l had been invited to a party by the guys over at HMP Wandsworth, well to correct that. The guys who worked as guards at the prision had invited John and he had invited me. At the time, which was 1989 l was 26 and living in Ramsgate in Kent. John was one of my best mates at the time, we had met during my nightclub promotion times when l was running my business Edo Promotions limited and for a few years we did most stuff together, at least until l moved away into London to live and work.
Back then, he and l were keen and energetic dancers and got up to all sorts of mischief except none of ours was really managed like Potters was. In some respects we were like a couple of likely lads, girls and beer, kebabs and pranks but always dancing!
None of this silly stuff either, John was seriously into his Reggae a real smoothie on the floor who was always picking up a lass here or two and enjoying both the same night, he taught me a thing or two about being adventurous! Whilst l was into serious house beat, but we were both ravers so we fitted into each others personality pretty well. We didn’t dance in pubs or people’s houses either, oh no, we danced only in nightclubs as that was the serious dance zone. No serious pick up artist danced in anything else. We were always dressed to the 9’s and looked the part, we were smooth operators as well as incorrigible flirts with the opposite sex back in the days when flirting was all part of the dating process.
However, digress aside, we set off early one Friday morning getting ready for some serious fun over the weekend and took the train to London. We had a simple and frugal breakfast of a bowl of cereal a piece as we thought [rather stupidly] that we would get something to eat at his mate’s Ian house before the party started. When we arrived, well John and his mate Ian hadn’t seen each other for a few years and not since they had been working together as builder’s in Hammersmith so they had a bit of catching up to do and so we met with a few of Ian’s mates went to a pub for a few drinks and still by 2pm that afternoon STILL hadn’t eaten a bloody thing so were starting to get somewhat hungry.
Drinking on practically an empty stomach apart from a bowl of cereal at 6am that morning was not great, and admittedly l was dying for a kebab, however nothing was open so had to give that a miss.
John and Ian’s mates by this time were popping amyl nitrate which all seemed rather silly to me and had absolutely no effect whatsoever. “Stick the bottle to your nose Rory, block your other nostril and take a deep inhale and you get a high!” Ian giggled after what seemed to be his tenth go! I tried three times and all to no avail, l didn’t feel any different to how l felt before and said no to any other attempts simply stating that l was naturally high on life and that was probably why it had no effect on me.
By 7pm that night John and l were sitting on Ian’s sofa togged up ready for some fun and the house was filling up steadily with people all getting ready for the big ‘do’ at the local pub. “I am bloody starving matey, how about you?” John whispered to me.
“Yeah same here, but there is no food not even a bloody buffet and if what Ian says is correct, there is no food at the pub either, just tables and tables of drink!!”
“Yeah l know, l have got to get something to eat or l am going to drop, we should have had a bigger breakfast and bought some lunch at that pub earlier!”
It was at this point, that Ian’s dog walked up to me and sat down and wantted to be petted and l was sitting there admiring the beautiful shine to his gloassy coat and thinking that this dog ‘Bruno’ must be fed a hell of a healthy diet to look this good for a dog that looked about six years of age.
“Good looking dog your Bruno Ian, what do you feed him to make him look this good?”
“Yeah Bruno is my best mate Rory, l feed him these Pedigree cans mate.” Ian answered bending down and opening the cupboard under the sink to show these super huge cans of the dog food. It was then that a valuable snippet of useless information hit my brain and l turned to Jon and whispered “Roll with me, we will not be hungry for long!”
John snapped me a look of horror and whispered harshly, “Tell me you are joking?”
“Yeah Ian, John and l are familiar with that, it is actually part of trick we have down in Ramsgate.”
Ian looked completely and utterly baffled, “Whaddya mean, party trick?”
“Oh we can eat a can of Pedigree between us, as long as it is heated up in the microwave.”
Ian just look mortified. “You’re joking!! a whole can of this canned dog meat?”
“Oh yeah absolutely, you see that particular brand is 70% real meat, and tghe gravy is really scrummy!”
Ian looked at John who was looking slightly green, who just nodded in agreement “Yeah, that’s right Ian, it’s a real hit in Ramsgate, Rory and l get booked at the wine bars, it’s a real highlight seeing two blokes dressed up to kill, known as being ladies men and hey, we can eat a can of prime meaty chunks dog meat!”
“Rightio then, dog meat a la carte coming right up – this l have to see!” Ian laughed as he tipped the entire contents into one large bowl and put it into the microwave to cook.
John leaned over and whispered, “If l die, l am going to kill you!!”
“It’ll be fine mate, Pedigree is infamous for its meat content for dogs. i mean look at Bruno, that is one seriously healthy dog. I read that in the event of a nuclear war, dog food would be considered one of the safest bets for survival, whereas cat meat is shit and would turn to mush!!” I answered smiling.
“Hey, there are some cold potatoes in the fridge l’ll heat those up, so you two can have a right little meal, waht do you think?”
“That would be great Ian, many thanks!” I answered him.
It wasn’t long before John and l had a plate of steaming dog food and potatoes on our laps and tucking in! “Bloody hell mate, this is actually really bloody good, but am l going to have the squits in the morning?”
“Nope, the only squits you might have is if you drink too much, but apart from that you’ll be as right as rain!”
John and l had a great evening, the dog food lined our stomachs perfectly as well as awarded us a totally fulfilling meal. The rest of the party got sloshed as buckets that night and everyone complained about there not being any food, but the two of us were laughing. A great night was had, and we travelled back to Ramsgate the following day with Ian seeing us off on the platform worse for wear and saying he would never forget the time when his dog Bruno had looked shocked that two humans had been eating his grub and he wasn’t even allowed to lick the plate!!
But my philosophy is simple, when you got to eat in order to survive, then you eat whatever there is! Plus, no useless information is EVER really useless, you know?