And the award for best inappropriate performance goes to ………
……….. Oh come on it was just a prank!!
The Sex Tape 2001
We have all done it! Ok, well maybe you haven’t done exactly this, but you have all done something stupid during your lives right? STOP it, stop pretending you don’t know what l mean, none of my readership is that naive! No, that includes you, yes you, the one in the corner muttering “Oh l say, l don’t know what on earth you mean??”
In the summer of 2001 my wife and l [ex] holidayed at Disneyland Paris, in truth it wasn’t where l wanted to go, but she had the bright idea that we [me] would pay for her best friends kids to join us .. l know, like WHY?? I wanted to go somewhere slightly hotter and a bit less ‘people orientated’, Disneyland was in no way shape or form people quiet! To boot, her best friend’s kids aged 5 and 9 were ‘oh so so SO noisy!!”
Okay looking back at the whole week, it wasn’t that bad, l am not really a huge fan of big people packed places and less so on the whole fun fair adventure themed park scene, but if we ”’exclude” the thing, yes the thing, NO not that thing, but the thing, then the 7 days was a fun time.
The kids well, they were an entirely different thing altogether, yes completely different to the other thing, the thing we haven’t discussed yet. They were as said remarkably loud, l guess that was their excitement. They had never been on holiday let alone to Disneyland Paris so to say they were excited is an understatement, it was quite possibly close to a million times excited!
That is certainly how it felt when l received my 200th cuddle from the pair of them the night my ex told them. Sure it was a nice thing to do, however it would have been nicer to have heard before the same night that the kids were told that the decision to go to Disneyland had been made without proper consultation, so to say l was taken by surprise is also an understatement!
“Oh stop moaning Rory! It will be fun, so much fun!!” The ex explained later that night. “Who wants to go to bloody Greece for a holiday?”
“Well actually me, and here’s an idea why don’t YOU take the hooligans to Disney, and l will go to Rhodes?”
“Because YOU are their Uncle!” She yelled.
“No, l am not their bloody Uncle, we are not related, so l am not their damn Uncle. I am NOT related to them neither are you, your best friend was maid of honour at the wedding that’s all. It’s like saying my best man was my Brother!” I snapped back.
However, it was settled, we would ALL go to Paris and Disneyland and l WOULD have a good time whether l was having one or not!
We took the Eurostar to the theme park as it literally takes you almost door to door. When we arrived the sun was blisteringly hot, and the first thing we did was book into the hotel, we all took time to shower, change and then get ready for the fun!
Oh what FUN!!
OH WHAT FUN!!
OH WHAT FUN!!
OH WHAT FUN WE HAD!!
Is this true, is any of this true?
Maybe, probably though maybe not! My ex’s best friend could have forewarned us as to what the five year old was terrified of before going to a theme park. That seriously would have helped! The question at hand is WHAT was she NOT scared of?
Pirates! “Oh no l hate pirates!” 5 Year old sobs.
“Do you have to scream so loudly?” I ask.
Mickey Mouse!! Oh no, l hate Mickey Mouse!! 5 Year old sobs.
“Who hates Mickey Mouse??” I ask.
Skeletons!! Oh no l am scared of skeletons!! 5 Year old sobs.
Why did you NOT say that before l queued for three hours to get to the front for the ride?” I ask.
The list of what she didn’t like just went on and on, and after being in queues for hours and hours, was getting too much, more so as the eldest girl of 9 seemingly had developed mutism! Which was unusual, because normally you couldn’t stop her talking!! Then we had the disasters of the foods, and what they couldn’t eat, then the dreadful time that the five year got her tongue stuck solidly to an ice lolly!
Most nights, l was stressed beyond measure and wanting to walk into the lake outside the hotel, or lay down on the tracks of Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and just pray it would all end.
We had arrived on a Friday afternoon, and so by Tuesday morning, l was ready to hang myself from the trees in the Indiana Jones Adventure Outpost. So when my ex declared Thursday morning that she was taking the girls swimming and l had some free time to myself l was absolutely ecstatic. I could have a whole 2 hours to myself!
No, not that type of Madonna
Have to be honest and say before the three of them left l had to hide a laugh! My ex had bought herself some kind of Madonna swimsuit with huge conical pointy bra cups to it and aside from the fact it didn’t fit, she looked ridiculous!
[Before l continue, the three had gone down to the pool, and they had all jumped into the pool, the two girls were having a wail of a time, however my ex was refusing to come out of the pool and why? Because that damn ill fitting conical bra’d swimsuit had come off in the pool the moment she jumped in! Why is this relevant?]
Oh wow, l thought when the door shut what am l going to do with my whole two hours? So l had a quick shower and when l came out, l was in my towel and the music was playing on the hotel radio and oddly enough [ l say that because of our TOTW this week] It was Prince and it was The Everlasting Now playing …
So l stripped off my towel, grabbed the video recorder and started recording myself whilst l danced in front of the wall mirror stark naked! Oh yeah, l was really getting into it, when suddenly l heard the door key being used and l was like “OMG Is that housekeeping??” So l suddenly switched off the camera, put the towel back on and quickly lay on the bed, when in walked a highly flushed wife and two kids laughing their heads off!!
Well that’s when l heard about the swimsuit disaster and why they were back after 30 minutes!! However l was nervously thinking about the video footage and how l was going to erase it now that they all were back in the hotel room? The camera wasn’t mine, so it was going to take some fiddling with and the ex suggested that instead of wasting more of the day, she would quickly change and we would all go back to more fun, fun, fun frolics and queueing … oh joy!
However with all the stresses of the day, and the kids bickering if not just screaming at the slightest scary thing, l … forgot … about … the footage! It’s easily done!!! It’s not like it was a full on naughty in out in out ooher missus sex tape was it??
By the time the week was done, we were packed and travelling back to England, l had completely forgotten about it!
When however l remembered …. it was ten seconds before ……….
You may recall l said the recorder wasn’t mine? It belonged to a friend of the Ex’s .. on our return she had asked him to make an actual tape of the trip. Now Richard HAD seen it but found it highly funny and instead of calling me or her he simply left it in amongst the footage of all the fun, fun, fun!
……. before my Ex, her family, the best friend and the kids were all around to watch the video!!!
What gave it away was suddenly the five year old declaring “Oh look there is Uncle Rory in a towel!
Well what can l say? I was mortified, as indeed was everyone else, before the air turned a distinct colour of deep shaded blue as the wife exploded into verbal carnage! I mean sure the video was a tad offputting, especially when l showed my bottom to the mirror with me videoing between my legs at the mirrored image, but the expletives that gushed out of that woman’s mouth and with the kids present was down right WRONG!!
She didn’t speak to me for a year … yes folks a YEAR … it was quite possibly one of the best year’s of my life!