Now that l am all grown up … or not!
Growing up in my household was difficult as a youngster, my Father was aggressive and oft prone to violent outbursts, my Mother was neurotic and often a hypochondriac and to a certain extent still is. My Sister and l were constantly at each others throats, we didn’t really get along, and sadly we still don’t. Our family was dysfunctional on so many levels it would be funny if it was a comedy, but it was real life and just getting through one day to the next and surviving in one piece was the best anyone could hope to achieve.
When younger my Father most nights would drink himself into oblivion and catagorically deny he had a problem, and not just with his intake but also his management of his anger. My mother couldn’t talk to my Father because she considered him odd [that would have been his unknown Asperger’s] and also that he was remarkably vain and narcissistic to boot, but cannot see that when younger she was as much as he was incorrigible in her flirting.
From as young as ten l was always being introduced to new uncles by my Mother who l knew even then were NOT uncles, and NO, l would not call them as such irrelevenat to how often they were at the house.
From my teens, l started to work for myself and then eventually in order to escape the madness of the household would simply work as much as for as long as l could. My Sister fell by the wayside a bit and she sought attentions from boyfriends older than herself and who came from somewhat dodgy backgrounds.
My Father worked late most evenings and when he did come home, he didn’t want to be involved in anything family orientated, he just wanted to get on with his things.
Childhood was somewhat unpleasant to say the very least.
My Father and l from a young age were destined to not really get along as ‘typical’ Father Son relationships go, he was always trying to prove to everyone that he was better than his Son, and it got to the point when not being shouted at for being too shy, or on drugs or gay and the list of nasties went on that principally l was probably not his Son anyway.
On many occasions ‘growing up’ as l have done, and accepted my life and all the obstacles that have come with it as life insists on throwing at us each and every day, l have tried to be the dutiful Son to both of my parents – now thankfully divorced – and whilst we have a very estranged relationship, l still try to do what l can and offer support if needs be.
My Father recently has been diagnosed with liver and bowel cancer and despite everything he is still my Father, whilst l am not obligated to really care, he is ‘still my father’, so l am concerned. I don’t wish anyone true evil, well maybe a couple of dodgy landlords, but l wish no one dead. So l am making time to give him a call and see how he is faring.
Yesterday l gave him a call, to find out how the previous day at the hospital had gone? He answered that they were giving him tests to see how best they could tackle and target the cancer, and the chemotherapy would begin next week. But he didn’t wish to discuss it further, and instead was telling me how his autobiography was coming alone. That he was now in the later 80’s and these were difficult years to write about because of the sad situations that he found himself in and it was all my Mother’s fault!
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well l guess now that you are all grown up, and finally responsible you will understand this especially giving your current situation.” He responded.
“Sorry, l am a bit lost what do you mean?”
“Well with Suze being menopausal you know how difficult it is?”
“Sorry Dad, still a little confused, what has menopause got to do with your autobiography?”
“Well l had to go out and have sex because your Mother wouldn’t let me have any?”
Oh and then it all dawned on me, he was writing about his adultery.
“Yes but from my knowledge, the later 80’s were NOT your first time venturing out of the nest so to speak?”
“Well before then doesn’t count does it?”
I then had to listen to my Father justifying his adulterous reasons why he had chosen to have extra marital affairs out of the marriage .. “Well your Mother did it, didn’t she?”
“In truth l don’t know Dad, but perhaps she did, but she probably did it for love and attention, whereas you did it purely for sex, as love never interested you.”
“Well there is a place and time for everything, and at that time in the marriage love wasn’t my concern, l never really loved your Mother anyway.”
“Right l am going to explain something to you Dad. I have never committed adultery, it’s not my bag and l personally don’t believe it is the answer. I believe in standing by my partner through thick and thin, that love is more important, that communication is integral to success. Perhaps if you had spent more time at home nurturing your field instead of continually ploughing other fields, you may have had a better marriage have you ever considered this? You know my wife cheated on me, 14 times over 14 years of marriage according to her, because she considered me odd. I wasn’t a drinker, or a violent man or anything like that, just odd and that was probably my Asperger’s. The relationship after my marriage was a disaster and she cheated on me. So whilst l do understand adultery – l personally don’t believe in it for me and in truth l don’t need to hear in gory detail about yours or how you never loved my Mother.”
“Oh yes l see once more, that you are indeed not yet grown up at all, that your Father can’t have a man to man conversation with his Son. You haven’t changed have you. Anyway take care, speak soon.”
With that he was gone.
Some people make me laugh!