Between a rock and a hard place!
Pretty sluggish start to the day in truth, am battling with my motivation levels, not a slump, as l have lots to write about, but the pain seems to not be letting up and l have had to start taking the ‘knock out the bull elephant‘ tablets again, so this slows me down somewhat.
Had my x-rays done yesterday, so hopefully we can start to find out what the real problem is, and begin a course of action. I am hoping that the results from these can highlight the actual cause to everything currently ongoing and l don’t have to await potentially 18 weeks before l can see a specialist, as l am not sure if my motivation can hold me for that period of time, especially as l know l am not on the right medication for pain relief.
I am currently concerned about these spasms which are becoming more frequent. I had just posted Scrappy’s diary entry yesterday when l felt one coming on, and went to lie down, and am grateful l took the decision to do so. For l then endured 45 minutes of the most agonising pain l have experienced to date. Writhing and arching my back on my bed for nearly an hour without the slightest bit of sexual action is hardly what l call great fun. I actually thought l was going to die and that my heart would give out such was the pain. It was quite frightening if l am honest, l was rather stupidly getting used to the fact that these spasms only lasted for between 7 – 20 minutes long, so to have to put up with that level of pain with no one else in the house, l thought it best to say my goodbyes there and then to Suze and Scrappy and had the dreadful thought that Suze was going to come back to a dead body!
But l didn’t die, otherwise it is my ghost writing this, and it’s not, it’s me. Sluggish from a head full of chemical medication that is not just content to slow my mind down but is quite happy to run amok in there and try to fry as much as my matter as it can whilst it slowly dilutes its way through my system, isn’t fun either.
After recovering from that l found my right arm was dead from the shoulder down for three hours and once my strength returned l was too drained to really do anything.
I am frustrated with this on so many levels, l can’t help poor ol’ Suze in the garden and she treks on like a trooper when l know she is tired, and am feeling somewhat useless. I can’t write as much as l might like without becoming incredibly tired and l cannot sit on my chair for too long either – so something positive which comes from the x-rays maybe would be well received.
I either take one of these rotten tablets every four hours and put up with the pain or l take two and then walk around like my feet aren’t actually touching the damn ground, it’s like a game of Russian roulette. Before anyone says anything, l am NOT feeling sorry for myself, l just don’t like being ill, and more than that, l don’t like having to be in a position where l can not do anything to help anyone. Keeping my motivation high is my main priority, the last thing l want is a chemical addled brain, a drop in enthusiasm and then depression to march in! Not happening!
Oh well, hopefully by this time in 2 weeks l should know, one way or another what the score is, which reminds me of Coyote Ugly – brilliant song!
Thank God for music – pump it large!
Right, time to get on with the rest of today’s blog!