Abusing logic …
Well dad has to go in for chemo next week as his first session, not looking forward to it and that is understandable. No one wants chemo at any age, and in your 80’s, you have got to want it even less. He says he is feeling depressed, again understandable, but he is playing the sympathy card a little, that’s he is lonely and that no one is there for him. Which isn’t totally true. Sure myself and my sister live aways so it’s not an easy jaunt for either of us to simply be with him every day. He doesn’t live near lots of family, so it’s not easy for them to get there. But he does have friends, but let’s be honest, what can any of us actually physically do for him? We can’t magic the cancer away, if that was possible, there would be no cancer in the first place.
Yet another call this morning from the so called caring cousin, l don’t doubt that she cares for dad, that’s her perrogative, she can care for whoever she wants, that’s choice for you. It was a short call, l don’t pretend to like people if l don’t like them, and l don’t like her and more so after her first call to me weeks ago. She probably thinks me an arrogant uncaring bastard and to her l am, what is she to me? Absolutely nothing.
Meanwhile on the home front, mm well l know l can be at times perceived as awkward, but not if you are inside my head, it’s not awkward, it’s logical to me, some just interpret me as being awkward. Last night Suze probably interpreted me as being awkward.
This pain isn’t letting up, truth be known it’s getting worse. Recently l have been experiencing really serious spasms from my back right shoulder blade and neck and the pain is like a red hot poker thrusting its way to the front of my chest. I had three of these yesterday and they are damning and damaging, they floor you, literally! The pain is so intense from anywhere between 7 – 20 minutes and you are writhing in an uncontrolled spasm that takes your breath and leaves you reeling around in agony.
I don’t know what’s causing them, but l know it’s to do with this neck/shoulder problem l am having. They aren’t new, months ago l experienced them, then they simmered out. This problem of mine is now six months of age today oddly enough. Six months ago on this day, l experienced a slight tremor in my right hand and then l started getting the pains shooting up my arm. Over time it progressed up my arm to my elbow making me think carpal tunnel, but then pain started coursing down my shoulder to the rest of my hand.
By June, l was at the doctors unable to take the searing pains. Later that month and physio then made matters even worse and now l am in more pain than l was when l thought l was in serious pain. Now every day l am just in pain. Can’t sit for long periods of time now, and that affects my writing style.
Last night l had one of these spasms, twenty minutes it lasted from the time l thought someone had knifed me in my right shoulder blade till l could stand again. It made me want to throw up it was that bad. I had to retreat to bed with yet another hot water bottle, well after l got my Night done and my post dated Good morning, you have to have principles in what you are doing l said to Suze. “This is what l do, when these are done, l will go to bed.”
“But you are in pain!”
“Your point? This is what l do.”
She offered me a trip to A&E but l declined, as l couldn’t see the point in going to A&E over a spasm that l knew would go. I had my reasons and inside my head my Asperger’s logic was saying “It’s Friday night, it will be busy. There will be lots of people, lots of noise and hours upon hours of waiting. The spasm will pass!”
There is no need to waste valuable time which could be spent on another more important case in comparison to someone who is only experiencing a spasm, that’s my logic. Do l have an appendage hanging off? No, so A&E didn’t enter my head as a necessity. If more people used bloody logic in the first place and didn’t rely on imbecility when it came to their health, A&E’s around the world wouldn’t be blocked up all the time with stupid things like it is. Suze said that it was my Asperger’s that at times stops me seeing sense?
But the spasm passed as l knew it would and l went to bed, okay it then didn’t help that l got burned as my HWB leaked underneath my back and soaked the bed, first warm wet patch l have seen for a while. I know Suze cares, l could see it etched on face, she and l were discussing that in the last 25 years of health, l have only known three pain free years. When does this shit stop?
I saw my doctor last Thursday and asked why l hadn’t received my x-ray appointment for him to say that that no longer happened, and that l had to call into the surgery to pick up a walk-in chitty. I asked why no one rung or even emailed me? “We don’t do that anymore.” I asked if the physio had written to him, and he said yes he had two weeks ago!!
I can’t help but fail to see the logic at times that is being abused here. So two weeks ago, had someone called or emailed me to come in for my chitty, l may, may have been two weeks ahead in my progression, instead two weeks later l am being told that l had to ‘know that’, and now have more new tablets that once more are not even touching the sides of the pain, but are supposed to be stronger?? So on Monday l am hopefully having my x-ray and rang the hospital ahead to see when the quieter times are which is when the doors open at 9am. Plus now l have to wait for an appointment that might take 18 weeks to see a specialist! But also they now think the main problem in ‘addition’ to everything else might actually be a tumour in my right lung!!
Gotta laugh, you would cry if you didn’t!