Mr Inappropriate 1979A
Me in 1979!
Despite the life l have led with certain subjects or topics or whatever you want to call them when it comes to sex and sexual behaviour, when l was younger l was basically a shy geek, now l am just an inclusive geek. In my twenties l discovered sex which in consideration to many of today and back then was considered quite late, and by my thirties there wasn’t much l didn’t know about the way of the world, or just basically my way around parts of the world. In my twenties to thirties l was referred to as an incorrigible flirt and a promiscuous tart, but my philosophy was always the same, until you have been there, you haven’t been there and the world is meant to be explored, discovered and trodden! Otherwise, what is the point of actually existing if all you do is actually exist – life would be dull if not for some fun and frolics.
However our tale today deals with my ‘shy geek days’ and most notably when l was 16 going on 30 [so l thought] and my very first date with a girl rather than just make believe inside my head or with my pillow! [You know corner kissing the pillow? You have ALL done it, don’t lie!!]
There was a girl that used to walk past my house when l used to live St Johns in Woking [Surrey] when walking her Basset hound, and l thought she was gorgeous, not the dog, the girl, although the dog was cute also. She lived at the end of my street which although it was called a Rise, it was in actual fact a cul de sac, a rising cul de sac.Anyway she lived at the bottom with her ‘siblings’ and her parents. She didn’t go to my school she went to an all girls school.
Now the ‘girls scene’ had always appeared to be treacherous territory to me, l was as said remarkably shy around them – you know if they smiled, l started to stutter and dribble — for goodness sake folks … from my mouth!! What’s wrong with you? I turned from the shy geek l was into the hunchback of Notre dame, and sort of sloped off into the shadows! I just didn’t know how to cope, however not all of them smiled admittedly, l suppose that after me staring at them in bewilderment which was most of the time, they would march over and demand to know what l was looking at? My answers of just ‘you actually’, never worked well. Also, as time would prove l was a breast man, so l guess l didn’t hide or avert my eyes quick enough, and l would have to say a good 7/10 l either got a hearty mouthful of insults from them or on the other occasions l might be slapped!
It was a rare occasion indeed if someone smiled back – however Gorgeous Walker of cute Basset Hound did, that one particular day, and after that l was flummoxed – what do l actually do now l thought? She smiled back??
No, of course l didn’t know l was on the bloody spectrum back then, and no one else did for that matter – so even then whilst l had friends, they were probably all on the damn spectrum somewhere anyway, so that meant that l had to do some serious research and sad to say, become a bit of a stalker! Not a serious stalker of course, but l had to kind of shadow follow her and her dog, oddly enough who was called Bertrum or Bertie for short. I had the previous year run a small sideline business in school selling the infamous and notorious ‘Little Black Book’, which was a strange thing indeed, and whilst l tried to find it today online, alas so far no avail. But it was mostly a book styled on ‘high school jinx, sexuality and l suppose a look at what it was like on girls, dating and culture all the things l was somewhat lacking quality information on.
But that proved pointless. The Internet wasn’t around then, nor was Google, and trying to find books on dating was just awkward. In the end l had to go and see my two buddies who just happened to be two of the most popular boys in school and the girls were always fawning over them like they were Gods, which in truth in comparison to me – they were, they were also brilliant Oracles!
They both were patient whilst l explained my situation to them, and then they smiled and clasped their hands upon my shoulders and welcomed me to the “Rites of Manhood!” Then for the next ten minutes they gave me advice on what l should do and what l most assuredly should not do.
Be Assertive, but not dominating
Be polite, and courteous
Show her you are a gentleman
No funny stuff on the first date, unless she is in total agreenace
Keep things simple, don’t over complicate
Remember your body language
Talk to her like she is a human and not an alien
Don’t be anyone else – just be you
So armed with this, yeah l know l was already thinking …. seriously you EXPECT me to remember all of this and smile at the same time? But first l had to ‘speak to her and trust me when l say that was already going to be a seriously tough time. Speak to a girl without stuttering, dribbling and sloping off!!
However after two weeks of actually stalking her, slyly as in suddenly declaring to my mum that l fancied a walk, l managed to secure some valuable information:
1] She walked the dog between the times of 4.30pm and 5pm
2] Sometimes she wore her hair in a bob, and other times longer?
3] Sometimes she looked taller than other days??
4] Sometimes she looked prettier than other days???
5] Sometimes she looked like someone else??
6] Sometimes she wore a different school uniform??
7] Sometimes she talked to her dog in an animated fashion and other times never?
8] Sometimes she smiled at me and sometimes she didn’t know who l was??
9] Sometimes she said hello, and other times she said nothing but just looked at me as if l was a three headed alien?
10] At all times the Basset greeted me!
But finally, l gathered up the courage to speak to her – properly!
4.38pm l remember the time clearly, 11th May Thursday
She smiled at me, she looks like the normal one this time, where is her other face? I asked myself as she walked down the Rise nearing my house where l was casually leaning against the wall, trying to smile normally “Hello!” I said a little too loudly, so much so that Mrs Skyler opposite shifted her curtains to look at the yell.
She smiled back, and as she neared l came out of the lean but slipped over my right foot, and said “I meant to do that.” As l picked myself off the pavement and laughed. She laughed too, and then said “You live here, don’t you?”
“What here? Yes, yes, yes l do, this is my house and this is your dog.”
“Yes, this is Bertie, my name’s Sarah, l see you most days and in fact l have seen you the last couple of weeks walking when l walk him? Do you have a dog?”
“Err, not of my own, l just sometimes like to walk, you know after school, you know?”
“Right, l only said this because you were following me.”
Mm, l didn’t think she had seen me l thought, note to self, improve disguise next time. “Coincidence, that’s all, you were walking the same way as l was l think is all it was or is.”
“Mhm, are you going for a walk now, or do you just plan to follow me again?”
Mmm, she’s onto me, what to do? “I am thinking of getting a dog, so l thought that l would follow you to see what they’re like, you know?”
“Do you want to walk with me, and ask me questions about dogs, instead of walking behind me?”
“Well yes, l mean that would be great.” I answered wondering if l was smiling too much or not smiling or even if l was only smiling in my head. “Brilliant.”
It was a tough walk, l listened to all sorts of things about her dog, and l patted Bertie a lot and she let me hold his lead for a while and walk him. We talked about our schools, and how long we had lived in our houses. She knew more about me, than l did her, which l found a little strange and had even talked to one of my sister’s friends about me, which was a little weird. But she then said she liked me, and l sort of fell over my feet again, and once more got up laughing.
“Did that on purpose again l am guessing?” she joked
“Yeah, yes, it’s my thing, l fall over a lot to make others laugh,you know?” I answered.
“You do it well, anyone might just think you are a little nervous around girls?” She said innocently.
Blimey l thought this is a girl of the world!
I said l would walk her home, which l did and all the time l was blundering my words inside my head, trying to figure out, how l could make the leap from wanting to own a dog to actually asking her out, when suddenly she said “I really like you, fancy going out on a date?”
Well l was bowled over, was this normal? Did girls ask boys out so boldly? Should l say No? The Oracles said l should do the asking out, what the hell do l do now? “Be yourself” a wise memory from the Oracles had suggested. “Yeah that be great, where would you like to go?”
“I’ll let you decide Rory, completely your choice, with Bertie, without Bertie, you decide, and that’s where we shall go, ok?” This Saturday ok? Say about midday? I am not walking Bertie tomorrow someone else is, so l will see you here then?”
“Absolutely, great!! See you then Sarah!”
And off l walked after she went into her house, and when the house wasn’t in view l ran all the way home and happy as could be, this was great as long as nothing went wrong. What could go wrong?
Part 2 Saturday!