Strange days …
It’s been hard, at my own concession to deal with this level of pain without the aid of any kind of tabletss. I have used a powerful ibuprofen cream and cold heat sprays. But at times the spasms that shoot down my right arm from my neck, and then cross into my upper and lower back and my shoulder blades are just evil. I have gotten used to the pins and needles and numbness in my right hand all the way to my elbow, but the pain in the crook of the arm certainly takes some getting used to!
But l am determined to NOT take any more tablets and risk screwing up my abdomen any more, l can cope with the current pains, but not endless stomach cramps and steady and continued visits to the toilet! At the rate it was occuring l was beginning to feel the time for investing in the toilet paper business would soon be upon me.
I hope the x-ray appointment hurries up as the waiting game is really testing my metal.
As they say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger – right?
Suze was helping her son and his family today with packing for their house move and has come back more injured than before as she too now has neck and shoulder pain! Great now we are both hobbling around and leaning to our relevant non painful sides. However Suze is a terrible patient bless her, and any advice l offer her in sympathy falls on deaf ears! Plus she doesn’t want to hear the above credo either!
However it’s not all bad, a topless Suze just approached me and asked me to spray her .. ooher l thought and then l saw the deep freeze can!
Growing up with my parents wasn’t just hard, but really hard at times, they both most days as we as their kids aged were at constant loggerheads with each other. It was a violent and aggressive household at times, mental abuse was a common feature, but my mother wasn’t the angel she at times makes herself out to be, she could hit back just as nasty as he indoors could and l remember one seriously distressing incident at the breakfast table where they just wouldn’t let up. My sister and l learned to keep our heads bowed and simply eat our meal as best we could and try TRY to ignore the raging combat when suddenly with a scream that a Samurai would have been proud of my mother attacked my father with a fork! She plunged this damn thing up to the top of the four prongs in his forearm! These are not things kids want to see happen between their parents, but most assuredly not during breakfast. Mental scarring back then was just a part of normal home life.
However when we weren’t having to deal with my mother working her hypochondria mode we were having to deal with my father drinking himself into a stupor and then wallowing in self pity. I know that comes across as hard but this is what happens to kids when they grow up in that kind of environment you have to learn certain levels of detachment. I suppose in many ways, mine was slightly easier because l was sitting undiagnosed on the spectrum, and before people leap on me in specially designed Internet troll suits, this is NOT saying we have no empathy quite the opposite, l have plenty of bloody empathy so much at times l stress uncontrollably at the state of everything, it is simply stating that whilst back then l was concerned at how easily l could detach it worried me that l could, when the reality is that from a very young age l was already broken up with the state of my parents relationship and did what l could to escape the rigors!
Recently my father rang me up and told me he had suspected cancer, you may recall this from an earlier episode in this series, and when he first told me and l told him to stop thinking he was dying and just await news from the medical profession, he yelled at me that he wanted to die, and who would care if he did? Once more l was faced with just another drama llama ding dong episode from one of my parents, and these after a while become hard pills to swallow.
Countless times over the years l have asked myself why after everything that has happened do l still allow myself to love my parents? It ‘s a harder question to answer than it is to ask, and l think the answer is despite everything they are still my mum and dad and they are the only ones l have but more importantly bitterness is too damning an emotion to carry throughout your life, as is anger. I keep my distance from them both and the only obligation l permit is a visit to both once maybe twice a year at once every two years, it makes my life less stressful. I love them, but not perhaps like Suze loved her parents.
Suze was adopted and both her parents are now dead and l know at times she feels pangs of envy that l still have both my parents, but equally as she got on so well with her mother and they were so close, to boot Suze is very family orientated, where as l am not, but she also understands that my parents are hard work.
Dad has had various appointments over the last month or so since this ‘suspected cancer scare’ and l have tried to be more obliging and phoned him up more often to make sure he is okay. Before the phone call today he had this week been for a liver biopsy and returned from that convinced he had cancer according to ‘overheard Dr conversation’. Previous to the biopsy he had had a colonoscopy and he told me cancer had been confirmed!
So imagine my surprise when l get a call from him this afternoon saying he had received a letter from the hospital, telling him he had been discharged and that he had no cancer at all?
Now either this is one huge colossal fuck up by the hospital or it’s another example of a drama llama ding dong from my parents? Don’t get me wrong, l am super pleased that he doesn’t have cancer, but what was upsetting was … he wasn’t?
Strange days indeed,
Night all, catch you in the morning.