Animals By Accident Series
Who Poopa Da Boots??
This story is inspired by Ang4him who made a post a few days ago which l reblogged titled “Who Let the Rat In?” which was an absolute gem, so please do make sure you pop over and read the post, or follow or both if you don’t already do so.
I used to have a truly beautiful dog in 1996 called Fluke [pronounced Flukee], he was an Old English Sheepdog Breed. I named him after one of my favourite films also called Fluke  which starred Matthew Modine and also there was a book written by James Herbert  which l read as a youngster. The concept had a very profound effect on me but also, my own Fluke reminded me of someone l had once known in real life standing tall as a human, so it was kind of fitting.
The photo isn’t mine, but Fluke was this colouring and he was the last puppy to Jesse who just happened to be one of the famour Dulux dogs used in the Dulux Paint adverts seen on TV. He was ‘crazy’, he was refreshing, and as a puppy he was an absolute nutter, he had some seriously crazy habits to him and some very strange routines that were NEVER trained into him at all or ever!! He sort of made life up as he went along. Most of the time his hair hid his eyes, and he couldn’t see where he was going and he’d walk into things, bump into people or other dogs and boy could he slavver – he could slavver for Britian and was a bigger slavver than say the dog in Turner and Hooch! He was just as destructive, the amount of shoes he went through in one way or ‘another’ was incredible!
But he was just so loving, and he loved to be loved. Sleeping with him in the bed was a nightmare – at the time my ex and l shared the bed with three dogs and four cats. The cats were content to be down the bottom, the other two dogs were also content to be there and Fluke ‘was’ sort of happy when we went to bed, but we were always woken up in the middle of the night because we had been pushed out of bed. Fluke would squeeze between us and then slowly and surely start to stretch his paws and legs out until he was full out, so usually l would have his back against me, but the ex would have four clawed paws poking into bits of her. [Sorry if l laugh there!! – not!!]
Bit like the photo provided, but his legs were straight out and stiff, until we were out of the bed, and then trying to recover from landing on the floor, all we could hear were sounds of satisfaction and extreme comfort, and whatever we tried, we knew we had lost the bed for the night!! At 2 years of age he wasn’t small either!!
That however was just ‘one’ of Flukes many quirks, another one took me a long, long time to figure out ……
When we first got Fluke as a beautiful puppy, we lived in Market Deeping just over the border of Cambridgeshire and on the edge of Lincolnshire. A beautiful [at that time] quaint village. I had my animal business up at the farm, but l wasn’t allowed to take my dogs with me due to the presence of farm animals. We had to be very careful when leaving them in the house, because Misfit at the time was going through a phase of eating all sorts of things. So we kept the TV on, the radio playing and loads of toys scattered around for them whilst we were out at work. The ex’s father used to stop by at lunch and spend an hour with them to break up the time of being alone.
Misfit the previous summer, a rather oddballish labrador had decided to eat an inner wall of the house we ‘rented’ at the time, so we knew we couldn’t leave her for too long unguarded! Frascal out of the three was probably the sanest because Misfit or Fluke or both together had a habit of egging each other on ..
“You do it!”
“No, you do it!”
One of them ALWAYS took up the dare and we could come home to all sorts of things!
I came home once to find Misfit and Fluke sitting on the couch, which had no cushions …….anymore. They both denied they had anything to do with it, but l am not sure if it was the fluff sticking out of Fluke’s mouth that gave the game away or the fact that Misfit was wearing the remnants of a cushion as a necklace!!
When l used to get home, l would take off my steel toes and place them under the coat racks and then proceed to walk around the house barefoot. I had to watch Fluke because there was something he liked about my boots, and many a time l had to take them away from him before he decided that they looked ‘soooo’ good they were worthy of being introduced to his teeth, and he was always grumbly once they were taken from him. One particular day he had actually bitten into them and he had got an eyelet stuck on his teeth and so he yelped and came through and had to concede that there was no way he could deny what he had been doing, so l retrieved my boots and placed them out of his reach.
But he was quite unhappy about that set up, and so that night when all were asleep in the house he had managed to jump up and get hold of them and managed to chew a sizable chunk out of the upper!!
In the morning l was somewhat annoyed, but the boot was still wearable, so let it go. However still Fluke wasn’t done with my boots!
Every morning after that time, l would come down to see my boots lying on the floor, nothing was wrong with them, as in they had not been chewed, but they started to smell odd, and for some reason the moment l put my stockinged feet inside, they always felt damp and when l used to get back of a night l had to try and investigate why my socks smelt of pee??
I just thought that l had developed some kind of strange sweating problem, so started to buy foot liners to see if that alleviated the problem, and yet each and every day for a week, the boots steadily became potent and lethal weapons of footwear to the point, that l finally threw them away and bought myself a new pair!
And yet …… not long after l was once more asking myself what on earth was wrong with my feet? I went to the Doctors and he looked and said there was ‘nothing’ what so ever wrong with the health of my feet. Still the mystery continued until one morning, l put my boot on to my left foot and suddenly felt something soft and horribly squishy on the inside and when l extracted my foot, l discovered a really awful dog poo adhered to my sock!!?
Well to say l was somewhat astonished is an understatement and personally that wasn’t exactly the words l used to describe the whole affair. One of the dogs or cats was actually shitting into my boots during the night!
Call me dumb ..
But l couldn’t see how any of them could actually aim their poo and in fact now that it dawned on me, but also their pee directly into my boot, so wondered if perhaps l had pissed off the ex somehow and she was meting out some kind of terrible retribution! Trust me when l say, it would not be the first or last time she had exacted out this kind of behaviour!
However she categorically denied it, and judging by her lack of humour l had to believe her. So there was only one way to resolve the issue, l would have to pretend l was asleep and follow the culprit down the stairs to find out who was guilty? That night it didn’t take long, because the giant hairy beast aka Fluke sat upright at around 2am, sloped off the bed and proceeded to pad his way down the stairs.
I got up and followed and could see via the street light that the crafty bugger crept up to the shoes and actually looked back up the stairs to see if anyone was watching him, and then carefully moved the boots into position once he retrieved them from the shelf they were on, and then peed directly into one and then pooped into the other!!
“WTF?” I snapped upon turning on the hallway light. “Fluke what in hell are you doing??”
Well Fluke froze for a second and then yelped like a naughty child and ran all over the house, and then before my eyes fled upstairs and when l got up to the bedroom he was sitting there quaking in the ex’s arms with her looking bewildered and demanding to know what l had done to ‘poor old Fluke?”
“Poor old Fluke??” I asked “He’s the one shitting into my boots!”
“Really?” She responded “Oh aren’t you a clever wukey Flukee!”
Mysery solved, l learned that night that my ‘third new pair’ would live a lot higher from now on!!
I am dedicating this story to Fluke, because he was such a character, such a lovely dog and we only had him on our lives for a few short years. I lost Fluke in the early part of 1999, because someone whilst my [ex] wife and l were at work and the dogs were in their outside run, had broken the lock and let them go out of spite. Of the three dogs in the pen, Frascal, Misfit and Fluke, sadly Fluke was not so savvy or street wise, and was killed by a passing arctic on the road outside our house, which was very bad and sad news for me.
Fluke 1996 – 1999 – RIP Buddy.