Lost in Complexity


One of the hardest challenges l ever had to face was in fact rediscovering my identity following my Asperger’s syndrome diagnosis. I travelled many paths, intricately woven mind mazes to try and dig out who l was meant to be. As l was a later diagnosis [45], l am unsure if younger diagnosis’s have to walk the same path of finding yourself again, perhaps they do.

I wrote this poem, during the times of trying to understand who l was, l was bitter and angry, emotionally upset at the whys – it had not been seen sooner, why now. why was this can of worms opened  … ? Why.

This piece was written in 2009, the year following my official recognition and told that the person l had originally thought l was, wasn’t exactly true to heart, and that perhaps there was a older, better me lying beneath the surface, and all l had to do was peel back the many masks l had donned over the years to cope with just surviving in the noisy cacophony of society to find that persona. So easily said!!

Ten years on and whilst my journey still unravels and my story continues to unfurl, l am at least more content with who am, over who l used to before l was …

‘Lost in Complexity’.

‘Tis similar to being stuck within a continuous dream,
Not knowing if one fits into the overall scheme,
Chronologically we look as old as we are supposed to,
Then confusion settles in and everything goes askew!
Mentally and emotionally we start to fall apart,
Struggling to understand and even where to start!

Others looking in or from afar,
Stressed to the hilt with our antics, thinking we are bizarre,
Failing to comprehend our very own concerns,
Simply lost are we, knowing there is no return,
Relationships turning from joyousness to disaster,
Unable to remedy simply with a plaster!

Higher in the intellect and intelligence capacity,
Than most credit us with due to their stupidity!
Lack of understanding from those not in the know,
Attaching a stigma to us and placing us up on the plateau,
Of ’best left alone’ and ’leaving them to it’
Making us angry, having to put up with the shit!

Holding many faces within one personality,
Is not a catwalk life for our complex mentality,
Childishly earthbound we are for ever and a day,
Liking it or not, sadly we have no say!
Predetermined like this from before our birth,
Is like God sharing some humourless mirth!

Like you in so many ways, yet never the same,
Constantly lost within the burning flames,
Of the darkness that riddles our minds,
Genetically created from before our starting time,
Blind Complexity that never allows us an inner peace,
And continually to get worse and to never cease!

Socially and emotionally delayed in our maturity,
Is a testing time for us all continually,
Not always easy being mentally aged ten,
Once was enough, but over and over again!
Can be such a seriously stressing strain,
Upon out complex filled brain!

If it was not so damningly serious,
I would laugh out loud deliriously,
All day long and every day for the rest of my life,
Problem is, that it is a life filled with strife!
Constantly wandering amongst fragments,
Of ago, lost in solitude, making so sense!

Tormented by myself in the continued search,
For answers as to what’s and why of this dreaded scourge!
Sure, there are times when l feel gifted,
But of late, this is replaced with the title of misfit!
Never quite fitting into the scheme of things,
Always lost in complexity of misgiving!

Guy or Bloke, Your Choice



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