A few years ago now, l bought a huge box of books in a second-hand store and l came across this little gem in the back of a book ironically about love poems.
It was an interesting letter, but it made me stop dead and think, l have rearranged it to slot into the Dear John category of life, l have tweaked it to not really resemble the original content at all, although the scorn is present, and the observations are quite hard hitting. There was an awful amount of sarcasm present and l have included that.
It was in a small envelope that simply said ‘Life Sucks!’ I could relate to this somewhat – not on the specifics or some of the finer details. But during my divorce, my ex-wife an adulterer herself had become pretty scornful towards me, and very bitter – her argument with me back then was that l was an odd ball.
What we didn’t know at the time was that l was undiagnosed with Aspergers’ Syndrome, which has a set of behaviours attached to it anyway, but when you are unknowing of this disorders presence, your life is very different to that of when you receive a formal diagnosis and you are able to finally understand who you are.
This is dark humour at its best, some may not find it funny, but to all of the readers who have at one point received for what ever reason a dear John or dear Jane letter you may be able to relate.
Ironically at the same time Lily Allen’s’ song Not Fair was doing the rounds, so l find it quite fitting.
The letter inside was written by a woman, who was incredibly upset and disappointed in how her marriage had panned out, and it took me back to the days of my own parents’ marriage when it too was crumbling and the arguments that filled the house were more than a little eye opening to us their children.
My Dear John,
Oh that’s wrong!
Dearest darling John, l am writing,
Mm, hardly biting!
Hey John, l think it’s time,
How am l supposed to write the perfect end,
To this bloody man, who l no longer,
Have time for and don’t want him as a friend,
Nor do l wish to prolong,
Our relationship which is going nowhere exciting,
And or anywhere if l am to be honest,
For such a long time it’s been totally uninviting,
Not the man l met or the one who promised,
Life would be fulfilling and oh so,
Much better than others before,
All l want to do is quite simply go,
And meet others and by God just explore!
Hate this type of letter, it’s so impersonal,
Yet why should l write with pleasure,
When l feel so dead inside it’s farcical,
Oh to simply shout out my displeasure,
Would be so much easier by far,
But then that would mean l would have to face him,
One to one and quite frankly l don’t want to spar,
Just want out, and not the arguments which are grim!
He is okay in so far as goblin-spitting rats go,
Useless good for nothing piece of shite,
Only interested in himself, although,
Complimented me once or twice,
What am l to him, seriously,
Apart from a bit of fluff for him to shaft,
With drunken careless hands clasping my thighs,
Late at night, when he wants it over fast!
Never once does he think of being sensual,
Loving, caressing even slightly romantic,
Clueless when it comes to teasing arousal,
Just a quickie for him and his short dick!
No, it’s wrong of me to be so curt and blunt,
However sadly accurate!
‘Brace yourself Molly’ ‘It’ says with a muffled grunt!
I wanted to be wooed and loved not just desecrated!
We have had our day, it was the fifth after we met,
After then it was just one big mistake,
Cooking, cleaning and sexual pet!
Since that awakening life is simply opaque!
Not much fun at all, and now here l am,
Trying to write goodbye to this,
Bloody annoying man,
Carefully avoiding taking the piss,
From someone who cares not for my feeling,
And who only cares for his beer-swilling mates,
Who just to look upon his face now leaves me reeling,
And the bile l fight back makes me irate,
When all l want to do in reality,
Is kick him in the arse and kneecap him,
But what l will do in actuality,
Is write a letter and be prim!
We have had our time together,
And as much as l would like to say it’s been fun,
I have met someone else … your 80 year old father,
Who knows more positions than just one!
And knows how to treat a lady with respect,
Can both speak and caress properly,
Loves me for who l am and not just some object,
Unlike you who seems to think l am property,
I am sure, well hope that this will come as a shock,
To your brain dead moronic personality,
As well as to your ever so shortened stick of rock,
Not to forget to mention your lack of sexuality!
Hopefully your day was unpleasant prior my letter,
For l wish you nothing but the worst,
And from this point hope it won’t get better,
Here’s praying that you are bloody cursed!
Guy or Bloke, Your Choice