In 1989, when l was 26, l submitted the poem below to an editor in London who published works for the adult industry. I treated it as a joke, after a client of mine suggested l put my bawdy humour to the test. The end result was that for 4 years l submitted articles of ‘interest’ to various magazines for publication. This particular piece was about a private French detective looking for the pleasurable ‘ Oofph’.
In many respects and excuse the pun, but l sort of slipped into this industry by accident, which wasn’t always surprising for me, l was always considered a bit of clumsy one!
La règle du jeu
[The Rules of the Game]
Recently l ‘ave found myself involved,
In an interesting matter concerning sound,
Or rather the reasons for uncontrolled,
Delightful sighs and moans doing the rounds!
Of all the Inspectors that were called,
To aid in this mysterious noisy case,
It was l Inspector Sleuth that was so bold,
And that would conclude the curious chaos!
Holmes, Gadget, Colombo and of course,
Clouseau were either taken,
Or gone for good or worse,
So it was l that was to be awakened!
The search was on for the ‘Oofph’ factor,
An odd case if ever l was to say,
In all my years as a sensual inspector,
This was the oddest one of its day!
How one is to actually commence the quest,
For locating such sensuality and arousal,
This, this, my friends was the test!
But l assure you, crack it l shall!
First l had to identify the sound that was,
The culprit for want of a descriptive name,
And the possible cause,
That made the Oofph so inflamed!
After many weeks of serious desire,
I found out that an Arched Back was the blame,
It was this that stirred the hidden fire,
Within the mind of sexual woman!
The arched back makes for the softest of sighs,
Made by the ‘olding of ones’ breath,
And released owing to a surprise,
Induced perhaps by an heated sexual path,
Of all the sighs l have now come across,
And trust me, there ‘ave been a few,
None are more satisfying than the Oofph,
Softly released when the air is romantically blue!
And now l retire for the night,
Having discovered the secret desirable Oofph,
Preparing for a bit of alright,
Is this master of all the sexual sleuths!
Guy or Bloke, Your Choice
Inspector Sleuth series