The first two years that followed my Aspergers’ Syndrome diagnosis 2009 – 2011 were some of the hardest ‘rediscovery’ years l ever experienced. You spend your life growing up always confused, then receive your diagnosis and whilst this is received as a blessing, you suddenly also experience a wild tango of emotions all at once and it can be very, very demotivating. I had spent most of my life pre-diagnosis evolving and adapting to fit in the society l had been born into – then l had to reinvent myself and allow me back into my world and more importantly my identity.
Those not on the spectrum may struggle to comprehend this confusion, whilst my fellow elder diagnosis autists and Aspies will probably understand this poem very well. It was written in July 2010.
Bitter Sweet Flaws
I have lived with the Aspergic inclination all of my life,
Gifted at birth, it has caused me nothing but strife!
Diagnosed fully only but a couple of years ago,
Armed with the insight, it put me in more of ‘the know’!
For it alleviated much of my life’s’ awkward puzzle,
Realising my brain always looked at a loaded gun muzzle!
As a child l had always been perceived as ‘odd’ or a geek!
Worst case, l was considered some kind of strange freak!
Problem was, back in those days, it was not recognized,
Erratic behaviour was medically resolved by being analysed!
“Your child is simply hyperactive, don’t be alarmed’
And at that most parents ‘yes’ were stressed, but charmed!
Their child was simply being overzealous, but was okay!
Opinions medically have moved on since those days!
Now children are seen to be part of the spectrum,
And ADHD is to blame for being a pain in the rectum!
However, now we have many forty something’s awakening!
Feeling completely disorientated, and full of confused pain,
Like what the hell is going on with my life right now?
Bizarre things are mentally shaping beneath my brow!
Acknowledged, as Aspergic is all well and good!
Exception being that we are horribly misunderstood,
Many continue on with their lives simply thinking,
That it will ‘Go away’ if l keep on blinking!
However for many of us on the Autistic scale,
Intelligently are not so keen to quickly bail,
We need to know, understand and even obsess,
On the culprit that was always perceived as stress!
Asperger’s Syndrome has so many special benefits,
But is an intellectual enemy, like an arrogant ad blitz!
So treated as such it is indeed a worthy opponent,
And is so complex, with its many components,
That to simply walk away, and not delve and explore,
Is ‘not acceptable‘, soon this problem will be too hard to ignore!
Affecting our lives so significantly, and without grace,
Hindering relationships, enjoyment and the work place!
I am slowly coming to terms with being classed as eccentric!
As well as many oft seeing me as egocentric!
That l have taken to studying it fully, and expressing
In poetical form emotions that for year’s l have suppressed!
But l cannot deny that it has taken its’ toll upon me,
And many a time deprives me of being blissfully happy,
l am supposedly an above average intelligent man!
Means nothing when you are struggling with inward pain,
Of not knowing who you are, or what or even where!
You are on the path of life, or finding a woman to care!
With all the attributes of this ‘gift’ there is no get out clause,
As such, it means life is full of bittersweet flaws!
Don’t read this as me being overly bitter,
I can accept that life for many is also a right shitter,
We are also said to suffer from a lack of empathy,
So l don’t need anyone’s’ protective sympathy,
I am about as happy as l guess l can be!
But would be happier, if finally l could see the real me!
Guy or Bloke, Your Choice