This was written to my current partner in 2013. I was living as a bachelor with my two dogs and really quite frightened about entering the arena of a relationship again. My marriage of 14 years had left an indelible mark on my soul. My divorce was so acrimonious that it scarred me for many years after. I became cynical to ever being in love again – but also, l was divorced in 2008, the same year that l received my formal diagnosis for Asperger’s Syndrome and then of course armed with that knowledge was l finally able to make sense of why perhaps my marriage in some part had gone wrong. A hidden disorder had led my wife to adultery, and this is something that can make you think – if love and being romantic is actually your bag?
I wanted to be friends first with any new partner, to get to know each other properly and not simply rely upon lust and jump into the sack – as sex was easy, way easier a physical emotion to both understand and negotiate.
However, without further ado …
My love, a few choice words of comfort for your ear,
Perhaps, well l don’t know,
Not what you may wish to hear,
But it must be this way so…
“You know, life is never easy,
It has its’ ups and downs, its’ disappointments,
Never goes the way you would like, not really,
But one does their best, so life is not misspent,
I have looked deep into my soul of late,
And over the year’s l have come to the conclusion,
That this thing called love is not ‘my’ ideal bed mate,
It dances and baffles me further into a constant state of confusion!
It is not that l cannot or have not ever fallen or in fact been smitten,
By dazzling beauty or the softness of another’s’ heart,
Nor can l deny ever being seduced by a sexual kitten,
In lost days that seem so long ago from my past…
But l find that now, as l am getting older with each passing year,
Settled as a lonesome bachelor, and learning about my disorderly routine,
That this emotion called ‘love’ fills me with an eternal dread and fear,
And that l no longer have the enthusiasm for it, like l did when l was nineteen,
I am clumsy in love and all that it encompasses,
And now, l am unsure what it is that l truly want from my life,
So content am l, with the lack of stresses and traumas,
That usually comes from a relationship with a girlfriend or indeed a wife,
Maybe, if l was many years younger than the man l am now,
What you have said would be greeted with a resounding yes!
But l am not, and time travel is still not available and still might not allow,
Us to happen, let alone be a success…
I am flattered my love and it is true that l have feelings for you too,
But look at my life in comparison to yours,
And ask yourself if l am what you would want seriously, now be true,
Or … perhaps you need a rich young handsome man whom you can so adore?
Instead of a man who is more complex than that of the entire galaxy,
And lives in the world of the ‘solitary mind, as well as that of the Aspergic’
Who cares not for the intrinsic balance of society or even for the companionship of sociality?
Lest not forget to whom you would also be highly allergic!
It is not, that l am not a romantic, nor can l honestly say,
That it would not be nice to be someone’s man,
But l am set in my routines now, established as they are each and every day,
And l am way too complicated for me to even understand,
What means the most to me, is your friendship in my pocket,
This way we can love each other as we already do, and be realistic,
And not share our hearts in combined lovers’ lockets,
But most of all and more importantly, not fall victims to being foolishly romantic”.
Guy or Bloke, Your Choice