Shadows

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Shadows

Beneath my skin, lies a hiding man,
Unsure of what is left to do,
Stepped back from life again,
To try an’ rediscover m’self-true,
Thoughts of the long path l have taken,
In life to just see a fresh morning,
Where upon again, l can awaken,
And not be shadowed by the hauntings,
Of journey’s that have brought me,
Here, Where l am now …
Frightened to be,
Open to those who place me on show,
Stripped myself down to my soul,
And looked deep within
To try and understand the hollow,
Meaning of memories of time forsaken?
The rudeness of life and all that is so,
Have made me to be who l am,
But my eyes, are opened now,
An’ with purpose do l walk again as man,
For now l must recreate a new identity,
That sits with me with care,
Comfortable it must be,
So with others again l can share,
Who l was, when happiness was mine!
Shadows of my former self,
Drift slowly away back into time,
And now, yes now
The old me can be shelved.

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After a troubled life of confusion and strife, in 2008 l was finally diagnosed as being on the spectrum – it was one of the biggest awakenings and rebirths l have ever gone through. Perhaps because it was a late diagnosis [44] that it had the impact it did. But it took me a good many years to understand it, accept it but more importantly, the person l had grown up as was not the person l was born to be. My identity was one that had lived life masked up to fit in to a constantly changing and demanding society, living the lie of pretence and struggling to find acceptance from a people who continually thought l was both a freak and a geek.

It is no small undertaking to suddenly realise that what you need to do is strip down to your skeleton, deep search your soul and start to rebuild who you are – your philosophy of life, your goals and so on. You find that you must let go of years of anger, upset and disappointment from family, loved ones and a medical profession hell bent of ‘trying to fix you’ and move forwards with a positive focus.

I did it, l tore myself down , layer by layer and fleshed myself back out – it was a journey indeed, it was a story – it was a life.

Guy or Bloke, Your Choice

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